


saturn

by kneebleed



Series: phan one-shots [5]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Crushes, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Teenagers, Dorks in Love, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Oblivious, Pain, Secret Crush, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, because it was what i felt writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:55:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25231999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kneebleed/pseuds/kneebleed
Summary: You come back on every dream that I have, and I always fall for you again.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Original Male Character(s), Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: phan one-shots [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1692145
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	saturn

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be based on the song ["son pololos"](https://open.spotify.com/track/4ZAramVJsnm2aIk9RAg11N?si=3djsJLuxQk-WwCEfpd0EtQ) by 31 minutos but it ended up being more based on the song ["saturno"](https://open.spotify.com/track/7en0831Kv3C7qDh1kXhM9U?si=cFAVbYP1Q7e1WTQ4XwE9TA) by pablo alborán than something else. sorry.

For the longest time of their lives, Dan and Phil have always been going to the same school. They were neighbours too. Going to the park so they could play something together was their favourite activity; they enjoyed all those hours that they spend running around their neighbourhood, or just laying on the grass to watch the clouds.

At some point, the clouds vanished, and the friendship that Dan and Phil formed over the years disappeared just like them; they saw the other non-stop for years until one day, one of them decided to stop the routine that they had build over time.

Dan started to feel weird when he was around Phil, and he didn't know what that meant. Dan was only 12 years old, and there was something inside him that wanted to kiss Phil and Dan just wanted it to stop, and the only viable way that he saw that he could do that, was distancing himself from him; the thing that Dan didn't know, was that Phil had the same feelings that him.

So that's how Dan and Phil went from best friends and neighbours for life, to only be neighbours and see the other on the hallways of their school.

Their parents and classmates couldn't understand it. They thought that the pair fought for one of their toys or something; "Surely they'll fix whatever problem they have soon," the oblivious have said, but oh how wrong they were. It has been five years since that fight that they thought that Dan and Phil had, and since then they haven't exchanged a word besides hello.

In all honesty, they miss the other. Dan regrets stop talking to Phil, and the last-mentioned regrets not asking for reasons why. They broke the other apart without realising, and they broke the other's hearts without meaning too.

Now, they have other friends, and funny enough Dan's friends are friends of Phil's friends, and they have been trying to make them talk again, but Dan and Phil realised of their attempts, and they rejected every invitation to hang out outside the school in fear of seeing the other.

"Have you talked to Phil yet?" asked Dan's mom one day.

"No, mom."

"Honey, it has been five years, why you don't try to fix things?"

"How? I don't think that I can fix this, not at all."

"Surely there's an exit for all of this drama."

"It's not a drama, mom. We didn't fight, I just- I just didn't want to talk with Phil anymore."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to talk about that."

Dan put a final point into the conversation, and his mom didn't know how to write a subtitle to keep the conversation going. Karen felt like that was how Phil felt too; left alone outside of their house asking if Dan was home.

*******

Five years ago, there was a knock on the Howell's residence; Dan was the first one to hear it since he was on the lounge, but he didn't go to open it, he didn't even move an inch; Karen was the one that went to attend the door after the third knock. Dan looked at her and said:

"Please, don't tell him that I'm here."

"What?"

"Is Phil, I know that's him. Don't tell him that I'm here, please."

"Daniel..."

"Please."

How could Karen tell Phil the opposite of what her son told her to say? Dan looked sad and desperate, so Karen didn't have any more options that lie to her son's best friend. And at this point in her life, she regrets not asking what happened or even try to intervene.

So Karen went to attend the door, looked at Phil directly at his eyes, and said that Dan wasn't home, that he was with his grandparents and that she didn't know when Dan would come back. Phil believed her, and he came back the next day and the day after that, and all the times that he knocked on the door, Karen always went to attend it and say that Dan wasn't at home.

After a few days, Phil stopped asking for Dan. Phil thought that Dan realised that he had feelings for him and didn't want to speak with him ever again, so Phil didn't try to go after him anymore.

*******

Something that became part of Dan's routine after he decided that stay away from Phil could eradicate his feelings, was looking through the window of his bedroom; the window faced the front door of Phil's house and the window of Phil's bedroom. Dan did this to know if Phil was okay or if he kept trying to reach for him. Put a subtitle to their issue, or just write another chapter.

There was a day were Phil looked over at Dan's bedroom, and Dan looked back. There was sadness in their eyes. Dan put his right hand on the window like he was trying to reach for Phil, and Phil smiled like he wanted to do the same. That memory's something that's only for them, and they haven't talked about it yet.

They should have stopped not seeing the other since then, but Dan still felt things for Phil, just like the last-mentioned felt things for Dan. They see the other every day at school, so stop the tremble of their hands in the need to hold the other was impossible. That funny feeling was still on their belly bottom, and Dan wishes that he could swim into Phil's eyes for the rest of his life.

There's this thing that Phil does that Dan doesn't know about, and maybe it's better that way; but ever since Dan started to play the piano on the school's music room, Phil sat outside of the room so he could listen to Dan move his fingers on top of the keys.

"What are you doing?" said Benjamin, one of Phil's friends, the day that he found out about the thing that Phil was doing after school.

"Shh, he could hear you," answered Phil back.

"Is Daniel Howell?" Phil didn't answer this time, "Why are you hearing him?"

"I never said that it was him."

"But you didn't answer," and Phil didn't open his mouth again, "why?"

"This is the closest to him that I ever felt on five years," Phil looked at Benjamin with a sad smile and then put his head against the door again, "I just like to hear him play."

"But why do you stay outside?"

"Because I don't want him to stop for me, not again."

"What do you mean?" Benjamin sat beside Phil to give him company.

"You won't understand it."

"Try me," and Phil did.

Benjamin heard about how devastated Phil felt when Dan's mother told him that Dan wasn't at home for a week, even when Phil himself saw Dan on the park playing on the swing. Phil said to Benjamin that surely Dan knew about Phil's feelings, and Phil truly believes that that's why Dan doesn't talk with him anymore.

The thing here is that Benjamin thinks that Dan didn't stop talking with Phil because of that; Benjamin is aware of how Dan looks at Phil when the last-mentioned isn't looking. Dan looks at Phil like he has all the answers to every question that the world can hold. Benjamin can't tell that to Phil though; it isn't his place to speak about it, so he leaves the conversation there and just listen to Dan play.

A week after Benjamin and Phil's encounter, a boy starts to flirt with Dan.

At first, Dan didn't react because he wasn't interested, but then a thought came to his mind, and he decided to give it a go. If he starts to feel things for this guy, then his feelings for Phil could disappear, and that was the only thing that Dan wanted to happen.

So, Daniel Howell and Peter Tickner started to hang out more every day that passed, until one day they were holding hands, and Phil couldn't believe it. For his entire life, he thought that Dan Howell was straight, and now it turns out that he liked boys, and for some reason, Phil thought that this was the perfect opportunity to speak with Dan again.

Since they shared some classes, Phil decided to sit close to where Dan usually sits in hopes to establish a conversation. If Dan sits somewhere else, Phil won't try to talk to him like that; he doesn't want to do something that could tear them even more apart. Thankfully, Dan doesn't change his usual spot.

Phil studs-up trying to look cool, or maybe trying to flirt, Phil isn't sure about that; he gets more closer to Dan, and he tries to start a casual conversation after five years of not doing so.

"Goodmorning, Howell," Dan chuckled on response.

"Why so formal, Lester?" Dan looked up, and he regrets doing so; it took one look onto Phil's eyes and he's gone.

"We haven't talked that much; I don't feel like we could be informal like before," _ouch_.

"We don't, don't we?"

"I think that we should."

"I don't know, Phil, it's been a long time."

"We could try, though."

"Maybe," Dan smiled, and Phil smiled back.

"So..."

"So?"

"Boyfriend."

"Excuse me?"

"You, boyfriend."

"You mean Peter? Well, I wouldn't call him my boyfriend, to be exact."

"It's that so?"

"Yeah, I mean- he's nice but..." _he isn't you_.

"But?"

"I think he's not my type."

"Do you have a type?"

"Why are you asking?"

"I just want to know, we never talked about it," _I want to know if I'm your type_.

"Weird," _you're my type, Phil_.

"Just like you, mister fire."

"Shut up."

When the class was about to start, Phil sat on the spot beside Dan, and they kept talking writing notes on a paper; their friends watched them on the distance, and they felt slightly proud to see them talk again after so many years being apart.

The next days, Dan and Phil started to build the relationship that Dan broke five years ago; the last-mentioned was so determined to get over Phil, he began to flirt with other guys once he finished his relationship with Peter, whatever that was. And Phil doesn't understand what has got into Dan's head.

Phil was right there trying to flirt with Dan, and the last-mentioned didn't even show any sign of realisation. Phil was trying his best, and Dan wasn't responding. What was even Dan's type? The only connection between all of these people was that they were boys, is Dan even gay? Phil doesn't know; maybe it was Phil's fault for not looking gay enough, probably if he puts enough effort into his style of clothes, Dan will realise that Phil was very homosexual.

The thing was that Dan knew the meaning of Phil's actions, but he didn't feel like Phil was flirting with him because something inside him was telling him that no way in hell Phil would try to flirt with him.

Their group of friends were getting desperate; they could see how Dan and Phil looked at the other, but they didn't know what they could do to help Dan and Phil realise that their feelings were reciprocated, but then, an idea came to Alex's mind.

Alex's idea consisted of making Dan and Phil hang out with each other on a date without them knowing, just like they tried to do to make them talk again, but with a more effective response from both parts, hopefully.

Dan's response was okay, the same as Phil's, and with both of their confirmations, the plan started to role.

All of them went to Benjamin's house because his parents were nice. They bought alcohol to try and make Dan and Phil talk more than usual, and what better opportunity to try out their theory that with never have I ever?

The game started easy, a few dumb questions of if they have peed the bed or not, and then Alice started to say the things that they needed to make Dan and Phil realise about what was going on.

"Never have I ever, have a crush on my best friend," at that, as what expected, Dan and Phil drank at the same time.

"What?" said Phil, looking directly at Dan.

"What what?"

"You drank."

"No shit, Sherlock."

Alex made the signal that they have planned to do, and their friends started to leave the room quietly without Dan and Phil noticing, so these two kept talking about the fact that they have drunk.

"Dan, you drank."

"Yeah, I know."

"Dan, are you listening to me?"

"Yes, I am, what do-- oh."

"Yeah."

"Are you mad at me?"

"Why would I be mad at you?" Phil got closer to Dan.

"Because I have a crush on you."

"And why would I be mad about that?"

"Because I ruined everything, I ruined it again, and I'm sorry."

"Dan..."

"Do you remember when we-- when I stopped talking with you?" Dan looked at the floor, and Phil didn't give a response, he just let Dan keep talking, "I did it because I was feeling things for you, and I didn't want to lose you if told you how I felt."

"You are an idiot."

"What?" Dan looked up.

"I drank too."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yup."

"So am I your crush?"

"You are."

"Okay cool."

After that, Dan and Phil kissed, and they are sure that they heard one of their friends screaming with joy, but they won't talk about that.

**Author's Note:**

> please please please go to check out [this post ](https://kneebleed.tumblr.com/post/621152774316572672/some-changeorg-petitions-related-to-what-has-been)and donate if you can.


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